if I can, talk to you (bad rants
do you accept me this way? .. I know you wish if I were someone else, but ..like that , am I accepted?
I know , I swear I know what you deserve… I feel dying is easier than saying this.. it’s not up to me,.. I know, I swear I understand it…
I just wish something happens that could make it end.
I won’t feel good, peace or calm.. even if I lived a hundred years.
this test is only once but it seems too strong to handle..
I must do well because you did your part and more, long ago, too.
I beg you please to know it’s my mistake and not blame yourself, ever.
I did a lot of mistakes over and over; I did all the mistakes.
I did the ones that affected you and them; how more selfish can I get?!?
I hurt myself as well. I don’t think these mistakes are forgivable. here I am with the word sorry stuck in my throat. If actions were to show their intentions. I have always been unfaithful.. I ran away. I gave a blind eye to the love and every hand that helped. Now I let you down.. join the club… my brother, my sisters, all friends I wish had; I didn’t give anyone his share.. I didn’t give them what they deserve.. That’s why I couldn’t keep any of them. I don’t know if it possible for me to say sorry.. I know it’s too late to ask if it was too late. Too ugly, Too heartless, Too low.. call it whatever you want, but I may die swearing my intention was good all the time. I don’t know what made it go wrong. I can’t get back in time, neither erase a memory after it has left a scar. Every time I get tired, I don’t know how to relax or forget. So I close eyes and move. I don’t think I will ever be relieved but I still want to ask the question; the question I have no right to ask. Take away my options, but answer my question. All I ask for is you to be relieved, I WANT YOU TO FORGET. I swear I didn’t know what to do but to say prayers that reach to unknown directions, unknown intentions, unknown words, unknown questions.. I don’t know how to not be lost within this. I’m walking into a garden that’s full of thistles. feeling the sorrow in my breath, lonely and a single mom can’t give protection in such a dark road. a merciless father who received his heart from the devil, I cry hoping someone gets revenge from every black thing he did to us. It’s how hatred makes us love . Yea, I guess it does, and that’s why it’s a curse to love ..
I will live and smile whenever I can. I should not think about if I’m dead inside.. I will continue ‘till I get stopped. That test will stop in time.. and a way will be made. There’re other people who lived through this hell before. It’s not that bad. I wave and they wave back. we aren’t actually any worse than any other.. we hurt who we love. hopefully there isn’t much left; few years I guess..
I was stupid. I did what I don’t like anyone to do. It was clear to me long time ago, but I wasn’t able to face it like I do now. I realized the things that I can’t reach, that I was always unfaithful for, by being superficial in the dirtiest way… No one deserves to get what I did … Not you, No, especially not you, ….
I don’t know how you still allow me to call you by your name…. Thanks…or Sorry.. But I swear again and I tell you all my intentions were good. I say it and witness on what I say, because it’s in my heart; where no one could see it… but you, I don’t know how, but you do. We can wish the good, but can’t do it, because else, I’m plain evil. I beg you please, any sadness or regret feelings should not be over me. . you know they should be over someone better. I can smile my whole life, any time, any situation. I learned that from you. without you I wouldn’t have the power to be standing up today. You are the most powerful person, the most powerful thing, stronger than what my mind can be. . I can’t imagine. how your spirit is close to be above humans.
Forgive me for what I did at my last life, we will end up alone in graves longer period after all.