where we write it

if I can, talk to you (bad rants

do you accept me this way? .. I know you wish if I were someone else, but ..like that , am I accepted?
  I know ,  I swear I know what you deserve…   I feel dying is easier than saying this.. it’s not up to me,.. I know, I swear I understand it…
I just wish something happens that could make it end.
I won’t feel good, peace or calm.. even if I lived a hundred years.
  this test is only once but it seems too strong to handle..
 I must do well because  you did your part and more, long ago, too.
  I beg you please to know it’s my mistake and  not blame yourself, ever.  
  I  did a lot of mistakes over and over; I did all the mistakes. 
I did the ones that affected you and them;  how more selfish can I get?!?
I hurt myself as well.  I don’t think these mistakes are forgivable. here I am with the word sorry stuck in my throat. If actions were to show their intentions.  I have always been unfaithful..  I ran away. I gave a blind eye to the love and every hand that helped.  Now I let you down.. join the club… my brother, my sisters, all friends I wish had; I didn’t give anyone his share.. I didn’t give them what they deserve.. That’s why I couldn’t keep any of them.  I don’t know if it possible for me to say sorry.. I know it’s too late to ask if it was too late. Too ugly, Too heartless, Too low.. call it whatever you want, but I may die swearing my intention was good all the time.  I don’t know what made it go wrong. I can’t get back in time, neither erase a memory after it has left a scar.  Every time I get tired, I don’t know how to relax or forget. So I close eyes and move. I don’t think I will ever be relieved but I still want to ask the question; the question I have no right to ask.  Take away my options, but answer my question. All I ask for is you to be relieved, I WANT YOU TO FORGET. I swear I didn’t know what to do but to say prayers that reach to unknown directions,  unknown intentions, unknown words, unknown questions.. I don’t know how to not be lost within this.  I’m walking into a garden that’s full of thistles.  feeling the sorrow in my breath, lonely and  a single mom can’t give protection in such a dark road. a merciless father who received his heart from the devil, I cry hoping someone gets revenge from every black thing he did to us.   It’s how hatred makes us love . Yea, I guess it does, and that’s why it’s a curse to love ..

I will live and smile whenever I can.  I should not think about if I’m dead inside..  I will continue ‘till I get stopped.  That test will stop in time..  and a way will be made.  There’re other people who lived through this hell before. It’s not that bad.   I wave and they wave back. we aren’t actually any worse than any other.. we hurt who we love. hopefully there isn’t much left; few years I guess..
I was stupid. I did what I don’t like anyone to do.  It was clear to me long time ago, but I wasn’t able to face it like I do now. I realized the things that I can’t reach,  that I was always unfaithful for, by being superficial in the dirtiest way…   No one deserves to get what I did … Not you, No, especially not you, ….

I don’t know how you still allow me to call you by your name…. Thanks…or Sorry..   But I swear again and I tell you all my intentions were good. I say it and witness on what I say, because it’s in my heart; where no one could see it… but you, I don’t know how, but you do.  We can wish the good, but can’t do it, because else,  I’m plain evil.   I beg you please, any sadness or regret feelings should not be over me. . you know they should be over someone better.  I can smile my whole life, any time, any situation.  I learned that from you.  without you I wouldn’t have the power to be standing up today. You are the most powerful person, the most powerful thing, stronger than what my mind can be. .  I can’t imagine. how your spirit is close to be above humans.
Forgive me for what I did at my last  life, we will  end up alone in  graves longer period after all.

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