why i do what i do
WARNING: this blog MAY WASTE YOUR TIME. It was “written just right now”; it contains a young-troubled guy talking crap about himself and stuffing it into the readers’ brains.
quote from VH member (Dawn), in her last blog asked
“Why do people vlog if they don’t want to show an insight into what kind of person they are?”.
Well, maybe to show that side of them that they want everybody to see.
just like me; I don’t people to notice i’m a retard ;P
no seriously; I’d answer this one honestly now, I’m someone who changes completely once records a video_ and it’s not up to me. my voice changes, attitude, the way I stare and talk, but I don’t lie. Since I’m composed of two persons and possessed by a third on top, I give the following explanation:
part of me contributes to since I was kid, my family noticed that my voice tune changes when I pick the phone to talk with someone, or when there’s a stranger in the house. That stuck with me forever and until now.
The reasons probably, are lack of confidence, fear of rejection and that sort of crap… it sounds like I’m a loser… but I’m that guy who will be the winner whenever he wants/needs to. “there’s an asleep beast inside me all the time” that’s what many friends say about me.
so, as long as I don’t think it’s necessary, I will just not show that insight into what kind of person I am and continue to not give a reason to let the beast wake up!
what I meant by “as long as I don’t think it’s necessary” is as long as I make a funny/comedy video, because I don’t see you should be serious about anything that was meant to be a joke and may put a smile on someone’s face. (one second you tell a joke, then you turn to a serious jerk in the other!)
In the same time, my action of “not showing my real self” probably came as a result of what I’ve gained in real life. I’ don’t see myself desired the way I am. Being lonely and depressed has become what I go through everyday; in other words, I am sick of being lonely and fking depressed; you see I came up with my nickname depressedology: it’s like a science of being depressed; I’m a professional in being depressed_ lol. I have a lot of videos that I wish I get the courage to share with you guys (maybe after getting to really know VH and be comfortable with it), in some of those videos I even make fun of I go through. I guess that’s one way that let me get over it. You know, as for today April 12-2009, I don’t remember the last time I had an eye contact with someone and smiled at each other! sad isn’t it? maybe more than 6 months ago with an old-fat-ugly-face-it’s-been-an era-since-banged woman!
Actually that date also refers to an incident that brought huge issue over my ass and made me realize: (more contact with people=>more misunderstanding=>more troubles=>more rejection) I liked at the time to blame it on “cultural differences.” I decide to look on the floor whenever I see people; I get that huge will to just be invisible.
I’m just sad as hell, problems with sleeping, studying, isolated 24/7; and I know I don’t deserve it. I can’t figure out what make people don’t like me while how I make it worse is saying “fkthem, you’re in fact too good for them.” Well, I don’t have someone who got to know me and didn’t like me… you see the problem is how I get people to know me first.
can you notice the pattern (less issues with people=more issues with myself)?
holy fk, why can’t I stop writing! blah blah blah koko mama!!
Well, I don’t think I could EVER be able to make a vlog saying what I said in this blog.
and in the back of my head, I don’t think someone’s EVER gonna actually READ this WHOLE FKING BORING BLOG about how my ass reacts with the society around me.
If you really have read all this sh-t and realized you wasted your time, then you deserve it bitch! I warned you! in your face I wasted maybe 8 minutes of your life and I’ll never give it back to you! :P