tears on the page for The Sacred Love
She must tell me a story before bed. She must let me know she’s there all the
time. I started to call her when I’m in fear, when I’m hungry, and for everything I wanted.
Everyday helped me like if she owned me her life.
I felt lost when I couldn’t find her.
I couldn’t let her go away from me
because I couldn’t trust any other one.
I felt attacked when she was hit, but as a child, I couldn’t defend her.
I wanted to eat, I wanted to grow up so I get enough muscles.
I still remember when she said “I feel you are there for me.” I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I just wanted to get more powerful to defend her.
I promised her we will get a better life, wait for me. It’s ganna be safe, you will feel loved and appreciated.
We will visit Europe, and eat in the best restaurants. You will carry the best smile because I swear I missed it. everyone will call you with a title, you will get to be treated very gently!
When I kept saying that, she kept seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I bet that felt good.
ohh, well, now she realizes I didn’t get that far, she’s never seen an airplane actually. We’re kind of still in the tunnel,
but she said the road lately has been much fun. She said she felt I was there for her.
I didn’t know that was all she needed…
She didn’t literally protect me when I was a kid, but she always tried; she was outside that door when I was locked in the dark … sigh, I was crying, but she was with me, and that was all I needed.
I end up between her arms after getting beaten up. I seriously don’t feel the pain.
As a child, she made sure I hear her voice telling the story, and start to lower it as I go to sleep. It was always a good story, with a happy ending, a smile on my face, despite of what she would go though in the night.
Now, I’m sitting next to her, holding her hand as she’s laying her last days in the hospital. The difference is, my voice is not as comforting as hers was.
I can read her heart pulse when my tune changes. Damn it, I don’t know how to lower it like she used to do! Damn it, she’s worrying about me while she’s the one being hurt! She’s asking why my hand is shaking?! She’s saying she will be fine, and I can see her pulse fading! ,,
.. I said “yeah, but I want you to close your eyes” ; I failed to tell you a happy ending.
so she did, smile, and rest in peace… Aug-5-2007
She used to do that everyday, I couldn’t do it once; I guess I’d never pay you back.