where we write it

wanna explode and cry to … fate?

stuff aren’t going my way at all

I don’t know why I don’t want to do what I’m supposed to do…  do projects and homework.  I missed 5% of my thermo class last Monday when I missed all the due shit that was for that day

I didn’t finish the thermo project yet,   and still have the kinematics project that I kind of have no idea about it at all ~

I keep doing everything to “avoid” starting my work… ADD?

I keep myself from being emo/teenage emotional driven man, i’m 21 y old… but   I want to cry every moment I think about myself.

I had a trouble past… led me to think this way today.  I still have issues that I wait god to solve on judgment day

I do everything to avoid being emotional… sometimes I order XL pizzas and eat.. then eat ice cream feel full and sleep like a cow. some other times i masturbate 3-4 times in a row.  freaking sad, freaking ugly.   sounds like 1 out of 100000 mill emos who say “nobody likes me.”  I don’t speak to my family.  I broke my relation with my dad, and older spellings over 7 years ago, still counting.

I freaking get dreams,  that I want to keep dreaming.. many times I thought is it possible to live in dreams only… will that satisfy any need of my real life?

freaking poor living miserable life forever.   I want to be good looking and rich… but I just don’t like to work for that.  the fking road to that goal is fking hard as f-k.  for fk sake,  I keep saying I want time to stop..  I wish something happen stops the time.  I don’t really know what the fk matters in life anymore.

—  I’m being honest now,  with who I really am.. but I definitely don’t like people to know that.. this whole blog site is supposed to be a secret. I wish no one knows about it ever~

It seems eventually we’re seeking the only two animal instincts we were born with… food and sex.   hunger and sexual drive.   we want to feed our taste and sensation.   very animalistic,  that’s what every animal seeks only. no goals, the difference?  we have better brains…  the weird thing,  if you reached to the behavior of those two instincts using your brain!   I was about to say,, they’ are far away from the brain; mankind is more for his Resistance than those two instincts.

I just felt so bad.  treated like an animal from my environment. ugly and undesired.  dirty and unappreciated.  I used my money to get a pizza and some nachos, and started eating… I felt good afterward.

I reached to that instinct as my decision.  It was the function that will get me out of the misery I was in. that’s why I thought if I was thrown in a jail cell for 65 year no prole, then I will not have to worry about what humanity gives or get form me.

I wonder if the day will come where we won’t fake our humanity and just show the ugly color of human’s free will


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