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I’m The Best! but dont tell anyone (why my dreams are bigger than ordinary people)

In the following rant, I will try to not use any descriptive measure. Instead, the measure I will use is relative and comparative to what I see around my growing environment.

So why are my dreams bigger than regular people? I mean, “ordinary” people just gave up their dreams ‘cuz they can’t make them reality.  I think they thought they couldn’t, while they really could.  Are others more realistic than me?

When I asked my friend the other day in an abstract talk and random questions… “Hey, tell me one dream that you had earlier in your life, and then gave it up one day when  you realized “oh, that’s crap is too unlikely and far.”  He answered:  yea, I wanted to study medicine…”  just by that sentence I realized he is in another page than what I expected him to be.  I was like :S .  >? Umm, I never hear huge stuff that knock the stars.   The answers, that I always receive from friends/people, are small/very probable answers.  I expected people to have ambitions to be someone who will affect masses.. someone who goes into history.   I just cant, I hate (it kills me to) to think that I’d just die one day… and no one will remember me/ heard of me. 

I hear people saying leaving a child after you is a great thing to achieve. He/She will carry your name and legend forth.. blah..blah  :S. … 

I think that does not do it.  I don’t want a name to be carried or to be carried by name.  I want to make myself a name.   sure I can

I mean if I was asked that question,  first of all I won’t answer it, because tbh, insdie myself, I’ve not given any of my dreams up.  I … still dream,  I still have them… I wanted (kinda still want) to be a legendary footballer!  an inventor!  a health savior ( 7 yrs old, I wanted to be anti-pepsi&coca cuz it makes ppl fat :) ! Lol!)  a great musician, I wanted to touch masses, philosopher, thinker…  it’ has always been for me all or nothing.  It still is..

Sometimes I think that way, and it becomes why I want to be in a permanent life-sentence isolated prison,  because that leaves me with the choice nothing… which in the same time says I did my all but it was what I could do in a permanent isolated prison=  ‘nothing.’ 

I’m afraid even my mind will drive me crazy. There, isolated in prison,   I would want to write a book, to inspire and discover something about the world from that isolated cell !!!   I guess I’d never be able to convince myself that I can’t do it!

When I try to address my issue:  I’ really don’t know what possibility is correct:  1) is what I think of myself correct? and I’m really capable of fulfilling any of my dreams.  2) there’s an issue in my biological brain makes me think that my potential is unlimited… or is limited but I’ve not even tried to use it.

Which one, ‘1’ or ‘2’?

If ‘1’:  Then,  I am really a deep person, I’m that 1 in 10,000,000 person,  I’m really big, and others ain’t ! (part of me doesn’t even want to put that ! mark there,  cuz I think that statement is completely logical, real …:S)

If ‘2’: Then, I’m a lost soul, over-thinking butt loser, I’m not part of this system and I can be wasted and nothing will change at all.

I got a piece of evidence, which is a story, but I don’t know which possibility it supports ..  here’s  the story which is 100% true btw:  that when I was kid,  I was either the best, or 2nd to best.. i.e. definitely above the average… superior in all sides to other kids. (e.g.  faster, smarter, stronger, quicker, reaction, more critical, more sharp, superior personality, more control, confidence, logic,…  I got everything in every different area and activity. U probably think my Mom is telling me ‘ U Da Best! … eat ur cereal,,” every morning, but no.  Actually, and especially my @$shole dad was quite the opposite. He put me down and throw my ambitions to walls all the time.   My judgement of being ‘above average in everything’  has big slice of truth in it.  I can tell you stories & scenarios that proof each word I mentioned above.  e.g.  the boss of 19 ppl out of 24 in class.  I had that group everybody calling me “boss.”  etc. the running team, the fights, the orders, money, …etc, etc

do you know when it all stopped? when I grew up and realized my superiority and decided to go easy on the flow of my potential and bring my level down to “standard” people who’re inferior to me.

Alright, dear superman.

 since that’s a conclusion reached by (my brain)< my tool, then it is relative to me, and the real conclusion might be far from that.  let’s call that conclusion I reached ‘3’ (anyway)

here’re two explanations:  1 makes possibility ‘1’ right,  2 makes possibility ‘2’ right.

1: as a kid I was using a lot of my potential unintentionally, therefore it really showed how I am superior and great in fact. (supports 1 and makes 3 very probable and close to the “real conclusion.”)

2: sounds typical ADHD kid, (ADHD thinking: I’m a hunter not a farmer)  who just happened to be a lil’ bit smarter in math& logic.  (supports 2 and makes 3 far to the “real conclusion”)

Yet, I can’t think of an experiment that can be held by “my tools in my frame of relativity” that will reach me to the “truth of existence” of either 1 or 2 .  I can’t even think of an environment that will let me do the experiment: (even the environment of permanent isolated jail sentence {I’ll be trying to write a book} and therefore will not find an answer to the issue.

Let’s make this effective. Let’s employ the “better” possibility to work and use its model no matter which one is right; we’ll discuss which possibility is “better” for me to believe,   maybe it’s better for me to believe one of them even if the other is real.   (****: “i’d rather be happy than right”).  This is saying humans’ nature in decision behavior is primarily to satisfy happiness than unaccepted-facts acceptance- that’s an argument that you can dress on any color (people) and it will always be valid (believable case) since it’s transparent (colorless).  (will be red on red, green on green)

… but no one wants to be happy in denial while knowing he’s in denial  … you don’t really have a brain in that case.

 

Happy than right. Alright, let’s see:

If 1: then, I’m on the right track: lemme put that potential and try to make a dream come true.  (:D  really really happy) but sad in the same time when I feel the pressure of reality sometimes, “it looks too far, won’t happen to me…etc”  If I had not had this dream from the beginning, then my heart would not have been broken like that.. u c?

If 2: then, it might go bad or right, both ways:  If I said, I’m another lost soul who .. “bites the dust”,  then I’m into this down state thinking of myself that I’m nothing, I’m no one.. really- I’m not satisfied by telling me I’m average. I’ll be done (not college grade wise :S) I mean in things that I want to accomplish from the bottom of my will.  (fk college it sucks ass, good for the nerds they get 4.0 ).   While On The Other Hand: it can go good as: ‘alright, I’m an average person, therefore I have to boost up and sweat my butt a bit to be something considerably better in life.’

Yet, like I said addressing that thing about whatever answer you pick from the two right above, which is: the difference between right, and happy.  because,  for me,  I’m someone whose logic always been all or nothing, and I’m not average..etc: therefore 1 is better for my happiness.  I might just struggle some with it, or when I get older and realize my dreams and options were narrowed and Im left with nothing…  urghh.

Here’s a good suggestion:   modify myself with drugs (biologically to affect my judgement tools) to fit my happiness with choice “right.”  So,  in case 2 was right, then I really think it’s better for me to take a medicine that changes  the chemical balances in my brains like those physiological problems ppl take and that will let me … accept happily choice 2.  … Unless, there’s actually a tangible affect of what I believe to be, and what I really am in real life Omfg!!!

 

you know what,  it’s a big loss if 1 was right and I concluded 2 is.

while I will live a tough life thinking 1 is right if 2 were.

   So, one thing for sure, I really want/need/it’s-best-for-me/    to match the reality with my life.

The Case Now:  1 or 2 have not been proven which is right,  +  current conclusion cannot be reached with my tools. I have to do an out-of-shell experiment, probably explore life possibilities and see whatsup later.    So, even if someone else reached “the real conclusion of all,” unless it was thru studies based on scientific evidence & logic, (MRI-brain scan analysis?,)  I wouldn’t take his word and will never accept it.    Maybe he has to force that medicine into my mouth.. lol.  I might as well argue I don’t belong to that “stats” since I think I’m 1 out 10,000,000. BUT I can’t really make that argument since I started by claiming 1 is right.

there’s a fourth explanation for the story which is:

“WHO GIVES A F-K ABOUT YOU SON!! YOU’RE F-KING ANALYZING YOURSELF,  WHAT WOULD THAT GIVE BACK TO HUMANITY OR THE WORLD???..  HOLY FK!!!”

lol… good bye

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One response

  1. You weren’t kidding about the rant! haha but I caught the point. Really liked, “that I’d just die one day… and no one will remember me/ heard of me.” I’ll check out some more of your work when I have more time. Take it easy :)

    April 23, 2011 at 10:43

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