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Facing Sad Reality

now that I’m calm, out of emotions, empty with no drop of anger or melancholy :  I came across this observation that it will be top ignorance and stupidity if I didn’t address it right.   A theory providing a model that fits and explains all the phenomenons and behaviors with the correct reasons. ( like the grasps theories: difference between derived, and proved, but it’s taken as the working correct model)  this one says:

From sitting alone all time, and not seeing any of your family for ^ 4 yrs…  you’re assuming and missing, and reaching to everybody around you like if that person was your mother, brother, sister, lover.  someone who really defines logic to care about you.  That’s what contributing to all melancholic, sad depression states you keep thinking you’re suffering from.

Now,   I could have explained it with… you’re being away from religion, stupid in school, not hard working full time college responsibility, not dedicated, bored, lazy,  empty,  adhd, bipolar, cyclical anxiety, depression, insomnia,  …etc.  In fact in one of the blogs I think I’ve addressed that the solution is taking meds, anti-depressants, anxiety, mood/stabilizer.  BUT, The ones I’ve just provided are more solid and physical than any one you mentioned.   Though, you’re telling me: ” no I don’t miss my family,  I could ask them to go online if I wanted, but I ain’t got nothing to talk to them about”  + you’re telling me: ” loneliness is fine,  what am I,  a crying pussy female bitching about being lonely and need a hug??”..    you’re actually not as solid in your explanation as two the facts I said in this theory.    I can talk more and explain in the next paragraph.

I already pointed out some phenomenons that can directly be explained by the theory. I also wanted to discuss a conclusion that will be recommended to fix your behaviors.   you wanna talk a bit about them? ur turn…

okay,  you said  1- loneliness, 2- no family.   …   Loneliness,   never loved it, never will.  i’ had always been happy away from it.   I was a clown, smiling all the time, making everybody cherish.  number1 to start a laugh to all my home all the time.  I remember even my older sister, who cut relationship with me since 12 yrs ago,  used to laugh at my jokes with hands on her mouth pretending not looking at me.  I didn’t care about laws, I’d do anything to make it fun.  Now, I hardly see that person in me again.  maybe once in a while when I just wake up, and my mind is clear since no thoughts got to get to it yet,  I be optimistic about the day… forgetting any status I’m in..  I’ll be singing “I have a good feeling about today”  by the pulse of my heart.  1 thing I’ll be interested to do at that moment:  ” let a smile visit ” with a video/joke/anything  that will mean nothing but the purpose of causing a laughter.  Other than that, for the rest of the day,  I can’t do anything but stare inside my memories…  feel everything I’m not and need.   loneliness is humiliation.  Just by people looking at me, the ideas of them thinking about my miserable disgusting lonely being can’t help by jump on the front of my face.  Where I will look to the ground,  and wrinkle my eye brows in seriousness… muttering inside a closed mouth “wish it skips,,, wish it goes away”  because I realize I’m not invisible, tho it’s my main wish.  So I go my own way in every blink of a second, I look in everybody’s eyes… are they looking?  well, I’m thinking either way….    I don’t have someone to advice me how to act properly. That’s when others have someone to ask if they would do embarrassing stuff. A mirror to see yourself from the back…  I don’t have it.  I’m sick of speculating… so I go ahead and do it anyway..  “Enough..!”  I said,  when loneliness was forced on me,  then forced me to recognize everything I’m missing.   I’m missing you mama,  I freaking keep imposing you inside everyone who looks beautiful.  I’m missing happiness,  I never sat alone and cried like this when I was with you.   ” I’m not homesick”  I keep saying,,, but who am i kidding…  who am i beggin anymore…   I felt the things that without I can’t stand on my feet.  I lost myself; I’m not myself anymore,…  I don’t study at all.  now, I beg someone showing him i’m falling down… while saying: “am I supposed to fall”? I didn’t know that people can just do nothing when you fall in love with them,  or not pick you up when you fall in front of them. hey mama, some even walk on you!   I give ’em love, and all control of my being.  I’ll let ’em see my secrets, and take my treasures, spoil my honor, I’m exposed because I trusted him for some reason..  All for the sake of begging that person to hold me up.  you’d never see me down, because before I even try to imply any of these symptoms, you used to bring me up even hurt your own back to do it.    What am I trying to prove by denying it? that somebody might love you as much as your family?  I will fail.   *** : I stopped writing, I’m sick of crying.  I know sorry I’ve not reach  like I promised.  but I didn’t want to use much profanity words in this blog.

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One response

  1. nasvn

    for one second i felt overwhelmed because of the work I got to do this week. I opened this site, and.. it’s all gone :S

    so I’d just put the dues i got:

    mon: phys due, cm due

    tue: math due, phys lab due, me 42 big hw due

    wed: phys dude, me 42 big exam, me 37 big report due

    thurs: math due

    fri: phys due

    ——

    now this’s how i’ll do it:

    sun: phys mon due, cm mon due

    mon: me 42 hw tue due, me 37 report

    tue: phys wed due, me big exam prep

    wed: math due, cm due

    thrus: phys due

    fri: shit in your pants

    April 5, 2011 at 11:58

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