am i honest + thing to god (rant)
I’ve always thought – almost a reasonable fact: that I don’t write my best blogs when I’m in public or busy. I will be too sad or distracted to express the best way.I’ve written many things on paper recently & forgot to update this blog thing.I’m killing myself the slow way. I wish suicide was an option.I’m not sure why I’m a fan of ending my life so much.. is it because it’s “illegal/ taboo”? so we like to get what’s “banned”?I don’t think that’s me…. I don’t smoke/drugs/sex/drink/party/rape/prostitutes…etc all of those are taboo, but I have reasons why I don’t want them. Similarly I have reasons why I want to die.–the following letter (I’ wrote this backward for some reason) here:
startingGod… are you there?.. if yes you were, a reason or method that let you vanish from existence… could it be? The challenger of nature, creature of standards of the universe.. who put everything in motion… is dead? or do you sit and watch? you are challenging us to believe. We take the possibilities that are not supported by evidences, but rather your words. We’ll go with feelings and beliefs, rather than scientific possibilities.
Did you know how many think there’s a chance that the laws of creature were made by themselves? but that process is not verifiable by humans’ “limited brain.” It’s an endless chain of whys. Well, it tells us for sure its mightiness with all those accurate adjusments of measurements behind the physics of nature; creating big bang to life on earth, and who knows what else.
I am really thankful that I was not created with no eyes, or just by thinking about the many horrible merciless disproportionate scenarios that could have taken place instead of humans’ creation. tho, I’m writting this lletter to you while I just had my leg broken, I know what we have is far from the worst, and far from perfect, too. some aren’t lucky enough to even get a come up with this decent image; they get born crippled like I said. that’s just another thing that shows us the cruelty of possibilities. in the same time, there is a loving being behind it, isn’t there?
I feel stupid; using possibilities to make for your place as the creator, and that you’re a loving one, then bashing possibilities on how cruel they might be. Also, exposing myself to the existence of an infinite, and a purpose like they were something I can grasp. How am I supposed to deal with this? I’m shaking in fear hopelessly and uselessly. The infinite cause of the existence energy process was fluctuating without permission. just take our souls. we’re just living time we think is there. How can we understand what shreds next to nothing. It’s like saying 1/inf is not yet zero, because there’s inf+1 ! This idea, to let a concept of inf be the last limit of this given domain, can’t be grasp because one’d ask what domain is that part 0f? so it will not be there. People are lost; we need help, and we feel you’re hiding; you chose to not infer in that any way. they hurt me. I’m sure I’m getting something wrong; I wish I see it a bit clearer. things shouldn’t be conflicting together this way. It’s challenging us more & more in every aspect to belive. The bad part: you’ll put me in hell if I didn’t win this challenge. so, I’m asking you to make it easy on me please. help me, give me hints, visions, or revleations; give me head-start please. I still love you, fear you, & thank you; don’t forsake me please.