where we write it

to wisper you how I feel

 

i really feel 1 out 100000000 all copy of each other.  the time we live,, doesn’t mean anything.  We all are going the same speed.   I want
to cry and starve myself to death.    why? someone would ask.  __  I ‘d
tell him nothing.  maybe I can’t explain, maybe you don’t understand. 

i don’t know.  i don’t want to
work.  i don’t want to count.  i don’t want to have fun. i don’t want
to live. i don’t want to chase  illusions.  i don’t want to love something I
don’t. 

I have nothing to love.   nothing… is an
illusion too?   Will I live there  every day?  from age now.. till then,
till after.. every second.  every night,  i don’t know what i want,, i
can’t find what i want but i will not forget that I want.  age just teaches us how to live like a system.. they’ smile, eat, work and reproduce.  Are
they all hiding their pain?… are they all unconscious about it?    ..  this is devastating.. i keep looking to that dark spot that I can see nothing inside it.  Death means a lot to me. ; end of the time,  at least for me.  just to get up if it were a dream.  hand the test if there were one.   I’m not right,  if I was left by myself, I would do nothing…
just obsessed with nothing.  Is this what loneliness does?  I want to go
back to nature  where I have to work to live. my work is to live, not
make any one else alive..  you almost just love yourself just because you get that much love from others.   what’s gone far is only coming back.    get my food and shelter; animal,  because social animals doen’t make sense. isn’t all what you want food and sex?   i cant tell you to stop the time,  my throat got sore shouting.  i
still hear, smell, touch.  i still feel, care, and love. i want to
share… i want to share..   i want to

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One response

  1. so today I had one of my most anxiety episodes to date. either that or it’s one that had the biggest reaction from me. basically cracked, continues thoughts and disturbance, crying, didn’t want to talk to anyone because I know these are no friends to me and got no good with their stupidity. I couldn’t turn my mind off suicide… at the end, I called my bro sis ma, and asked her why I was brought to life, and why people live miserable lives if they can leave… etc saying at the end, I’ll either die or stop this. she freaked I think by my hysteric crying and suicidal logic. she said don’t do it, or I’ll die, too; I’ll stop eating and drinking. that line hit me bad, and I’m sick of my mind already… just wanted to close the topic and conversation to roll out of suicide. so I did; literally running out but it did not go anywhere. I really feel it’s an unrepairable damage. I need to get back on meds…. i have enough hate for life already

    October 28, 2011 at 22:28

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