where we write it

emo past, what future

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I’m not sure when the transition happened;  before my attention, sleeping and anti-depressant drugs, I used to write impulsively all the time as you can see in the time line of my blogs.  I used to be really sad:

My mind wouldn’t stop for a second to thinking about how lonely my purpose is. sad, hopeless all the time.

Indeed I just wanted to talk, not write poetry or spoken words. I didn’t know what spoken words is, but I ended up doing it in videos anyway.

I remember I made each of those as a video (-is this love that i’m feeling -she had so much sex -romance no more )

I used to rather … just stare at the camera. always as if I wish I could speak a non-word language.  putting my emotions in words felt confined and not honest expressions. but poor me, I suck in drawings, singing, and every other type of art. (including poetry I believe ) , but it was the only one I could breathe through.

Music was great to listen to; the more I identify my feelings with it, the better peace and relief it gives back. unfortunately, most lyrics are commercial than real. it was all full of anxiety and non-ease.

If I were growing old with those, then I’d have had a heart attack in no time. very unsettling.

Now, with meds, I can actually for some moments everyday have nothing on my mind. that’s mostly helpful before sleeping.


So I’m not sure when, but here’s my thoughts on why the transition happened:

1- I haven’t really changed;   I just became numb toward those feelings,  used to them and sealed them into a dark area of my brain that I will not access with emotions ever again.  (mentally trained to distract and cut myself from them)

2- Reality and responsibilities hit you ?   more realistic, and so left all the dreams, hopes, expectations … behind.   (happiness scale of  expectations -vs- satisfactions)

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The first solution is one that avoids the issue, and go go pass it to further paths,  while the second one  faces it and eliminates enough to keep going beyond it.

You can see with  the first solution,  the issue has a potential of re-appearing in the future or under pressure.

In both I think,  the medications help you accomplish them.  Those meds I’ve been using..   really make you give less  f**k toward anything worrying you.

not sure what else is on my mind now..    I’m on pills as Im writing this btw  x)

alright ,,   got a final tomorrow, x)    gotta go back to studying and finish!   wish me luck!   xoxo ?

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One response

  1. it’s really like Im depressed by default. can’t be happy, can’t be smiling.
    I hate myself. I feel rejected and out of place .. always @na9or

    I always try to solve the problems that people turn a blind eye to. that’s what hurt me the most.
    I forgot that I only live once.
    I live life like I’m living forever, while I should be living like if I’d die tomorrow.

    January 17, 2012 at 22:43

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