Background Waves of Death
Flipping hours in bed with insomnia
No one asking for days,
No one cares
Does it get any lonelier
Because I’m numb to it
Beyond sad I’m sick of this.
Instead of suicide notes
I screamed and fought.
complaining about how lonely it gets
with the exact same words I used before
Disgusting Dejavus life is scary
I think I’m just distracting myself to let time pass by.
The purpose of life is not to wait the clock tick for us to do our job, is it?
Another day to waste alone
with status anxiety and constant uncertain tomorrows
Pretty models must be awful to live with. you know
give me a scenario and I can show you how
Okay the b*tch is paid to love her look and act narcissistic.
Do you know how hard it was for her to love someone else!!?
The fittest genes survive natural selection in animals.
With humans, it’s great thoughts that thrive and get passed by,
not genes, but rather generations and generations.
I want to live on the frontier of life, instead of watching it collapsing inward.
It’s very smart to do, not to waste life.
With disappointing promises, and empty runs.
When you get what you want,
will you want what you get?
If you always go top speed,
would you know where to go?
Between you and me,
isn’t everything great you know, great enough?
just a little more to motivate you
to want, worry, and spend your money on what you wanted?
when can I replace my misery
with joy from every bit of consciousness,
and in every step all the way fading out of it ?
You said everything would be alright now
When is everything alright now?
I surrendered, supposedly, to what you handed me.
A sea of disappointing emotions followed by blocked memories.
I did not feel loved, I don’t think I was liked.
Nah, I did not feel loved. Business. No emotions;
My heart handled business, and my brain burned serotonin
I don’t think my inner voice trusts that I trust it anymore.
… I cannot be noticed
Yet living with the highest tax rates
I’m a middle aged male
In the middle of nowhere
In a lonely spacetime and
Worried about my stairs to heaven
Worn out I can’t heal myself I need to share
Not valued by image; neither remembered by face
To live with lack of human affections
With mental illness, suicides; and the worst’s not named.
A soul of an abusive history.
It’d take days if I died to find my dead body
I think I need humans
and so I look into a mirror
I stare as much as I can, then
I pretend that I’m a lot prettier
next time I try harder
Harder I try to a mirror
to look, then harder
Harder I cry to a mirror
Waiting the tears filling my eyes to dry so I can see
Cold world asking god daily if he created me
In a universe of cursed paths and unseen figures
On a rocky planet spinning lonely
With an endless time path to the unknown
The other side of the bed is so cold
Expect me to share personal stories
And, go for stupid solutions
Buying relief and stability
From heartless psychopaths and horny strangers
I seek fake compassion and sell my body for emotions.
You’ve no idea how hard it is to constantly say goodbye
To love I shout “Who wanna use my money?”
Then on knees I ask to replace my friends and family
With a dress code of functionality
A censored tongue and formality
Self-expressive where accepted only
To survive commonality,
I’m too shy to distract an eye-contact,