where we write it

Background Waves of Death

 

Flipping hours in bed with insomnia

No one asking for days, 

No one cares

Does it get any lonelier

Because I’m numb to it

Beyond sad I’m sick of this.

Instead of suicide notes

I screamed and fought.  

complaining about how lonely it gets

with the exact same words I used before

Disgusting Dejavus life is scary

I think I’m just distracting myself to let time pass by.

The purpose of life is not to wait the clock tick for us to do our job, is it?

Another day to waste alone

with status anxiety and constant uncertain tomorrows

 

Pretty models must be awful to live with. you know

give me a scenario and I can show you how 

Okay the b*tch is paid to love her look and act narcissistic.

Do you know how hard it was for her to love someone else!!?

The fittest genes survive natural selection in animals.

 

With humans, it’s great thoughts that thrive and get passed by,

not genes, but rather generations and generations.

 

 .

I want to live on the frontier of life, instead of watching it collapsing inward.

It’s very smart to do,  not to waste life.

With disappointing promises, and empty runs.

….

When you get what you want,

will you want what you get?

If you always go top speed,

would you know where to go?

Between you and me,

isn’t everything great you know, great enough?

just a little more to motivate you

to want, worry, and spend your money on what you wanted?

when can I replace my misery

with joy from every bit of consciousness,

and in every step all the way fading out of it ?

.

You said everything would be alright now

When is everything alright now?  

.

 I surrendered, supposedly, to what you handed me.

A sea of disappointing emotions followed by blocked memories.

 

.

I did not feel loved,  I don’t think I was liked.

Nah, I did not feel loved.       Business. No emotions;

My heart handled business, and my brain burned serotonin

 

…. Blank… 

 

I don’t think my inner voice trusts that I trust it anymore.

… I cannot be noticed 

Yet living with the highest tax rates

I’m a middle aged male

In the  middle of nowhere

In a lonely spacetime and 

Worried about my stairs to heaven

 

Worn out I can’t heal myself I need to share

Not valued by image; neither remembered by face

To live with lack of human affections

With mental illness, suicides; and the worst’s not named.

A soul of an abusive history.

It’d take days if I died to find my dead body

I think I need humans

and so I look into a mirror

I stare as much as I can, then

I pretend that I’m a  lot prettier

next time I try harder

Harder I try to a mirror

to look, then harder

Harder I cry to a mirror

Waiting the tears filling my eyes to dry so I can see

Cold world asking god daily if he created me

In a universe of cursed paths and unseen figures

On a rocky planet spinning lonely

With an endless time path to the unknown

 

The other side of the bed is so cold

Expect me to share personal stories

And, go for stupid solutions

Buying relief and stability

From heartless psychopaths and horny strangers

I seek fake compassion and sell my body for emotions.

You’ve no idea how hard it is to constantly say goodbye

To love I shout “Who wanna use my money?”

Then on knees I ask to replace my friends and family

With a dress code of functionality

A censored tongue and formality

Self-expressive where accepted only

To survive commonality,

I’m too shy to distract an eye-contact,

I shall remain the nobody….

But man,  you did all!

Didn’t you?    So now just go.

You don’t break down.

Wtf man!  please calm  down.

Things are okay.  wtf just calm down!

Then act…and .. don’t  … don’t break down.!!!!!!!

here’s the thing.  you have no one.  and I don’t want you to break down,

because when it happens no one is there, and you will start to scream like a freak..

“f-ksake.. f-ksake.. stop sh*t.. sh*t.. stop. ok?”  Don’t you ever break down.

Just calm down. I’m here man I love you

Deep breathe and look up right….

Those lights, cheap street lights…..

Look like fireworks, above your eyes

Glowing charm why near you I can’t be sad

I will always guard where you sleep

and bring your dreams to the world of dreams

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