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I feel like dying every day

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Nightmares while I’m awake. In the mirror everyday.
Force me to look away.  No conscious for life to stay.
I hate when I think I’m crazy… I know no one cares.
Don’t remind me that I’m lonely I know that well.
I’m looking scared and scary. I feel like dying everyday

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emo past, what future

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I’m not sure when the transition happened;  before my attention, sleeping and anti-depressant drugs, I used to write impulsively all the time as you can see in the time line of my blogs.  I used to be really sad:

My mind wouldn’t stop for a second to thinking about how lonely my purpose is. sad, hopeless all the time. Read the rest of this page »

Since I Got a Twitter (+video)

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I’ll talk about three personal things:

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1- since I got on Lexapro, my new twitter (@nasvn )  has been more active.  So  @na9or  has not been writing my mind and emotions in this blog.

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2- @na9or  vs @nasvn …  Schizophrenic? what’s the deal?

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3- I still have the same feelings inside, still lonely, and I’m still perceived negatively from others but the difference is in what I focus on and how I perceive myself.
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pain vs pleasure

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Agonizing future, because thoughts make it so.

The standards of expectations vs satisfaction value everything to what it’s set to be.

No reason to live?   On the full half we see no reason to die.

It’s true,  tough days are memorable, but they hold the least feelings to explore.

You had so much to do in the fast-rate days; I liked the slow meaningless days…  better.

My dreams have always been better than reality;  moreover, they’re free;  yet, fake;  nevertheless, they feel real.

People shamelessly admit that seeking happiness is a life goal.

Ironic how a feeling is the best a reality can bring  just as an illusion can.

 It’s why in such uncertain unsymmetrical times,  they both mostly matter just about the same.

well said Dalai Lama; It’s what I always wanted to think.

Reading this quote, I had nothing to say because it’s how I always thought since really early on.

What makes us good or evil?

BBC Horizon – What makes us good or evil?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u88lYs4FMTY

my response:

So it’s expected as a normal probability for people with psychopath genes and abused environment to be merciless and aggressive; therefore we should punish them less?
So how “much” abuse should I get to have green light for killing?  what do u call those who fight it? super good people?
wtf is this logic of equality !?! Read the rest of this page »

everyday’s hard life

gotta work, cant have fun,  do things you hate,   cant sleep, joy is over,  no purpose,  pressure, anxiety, loneliness, endless worry and exhaustion.

remember, some years ago, you were with your mom on phone, or your mom called you, and it was just a question of her “how’re you doing” …   long story short,  you said few words, then started to cry, saying I cant take this sh*t, a lot of pressure you hate and so….

some time after that year,  I remembered that call and thought it was stupid of me to freak out my mom that way, that  i was a pussy for not taking pressure and crying of loneliness or whatever…

but now,  i see that as everyday’s life.     the words are above,

read them again if you want Read the rest of this page »

I wish I were your friend

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I wish I were your friend.

I would really be f–king happy.

I’m missing a lot of things in life;

one of them is kindness.

another one is smiling,

another is acceptance,

and finally .. love.

I am really lovely,  and really empty.  please fill my life Read the rest of this page »

day after another

one day after the other,  I value things that I’m the only one who cares about.  Sometimes, I feel like giving up…

when all loads come to put you down,  and all fall mercilessly on you…     , 

why would you  get up after that?   why are you still holding to the cliff refusing to fall?

because when I look up,  I imagine colorful things…  me ,  holding the hand of one that I love.

because I still have those  hopes…

because I  know bowing out means death.

tell me that it will not end,  I will hold anyway.  if we all hold, if we all hope,  if we all do, then one of us will make it, and turn a desperate look into a smile. 

I, keep falling, but I keep getting up,..  time after time.

Everytime you ask me,  if I answered, it will be that I will get back up.

If I can promise,   I won’t give up before my nerves give out.  I will keep looking up till the tears blind my sight.

what are emotions

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is it up to you to live or not?

I don’t think so;  it wasn’t up to you when you were born male or female;  it wasn’t up to you to grow up in the best land of the world or in the poorest of third world countries.  it was not up to you to grow up surrounded by love or hate,  care or confusion, ease or struggle.

to live means attend the events and interact with them with thoughts, you live your emotions, you live your understanding and awareness.   You were left to handle your conscious by surviving and doing whatever activity you feel like. If reality asked you why, you will not have a real purpose.  you might think you do; you might think you the one who composed yourself the way you are, but in reality you were accounted for nothing compared to what you were not accounted for.  genes, fate, possibilities, luck, actions, environment… so

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